dear girl,
or boy,
i guess i’m not as picky as i once thought i was. i guess i just realized hearts don’t come with the instruction manual i once thought they did.
if you are going to a fall in love with me,
and i know you will,
there are some things that you have to know.
i am not an easy person to love.
this is something strange to say about a person who is in need of constant care and attention.
i grew up with bleeding knees, always tripping over my low self esteem and being pushed down by others around me. i learned to adapt, to grow my skin thick like the rhinoceros to withstand its environment. with eyes facing mirrors, i am constantly trying to look out for myself and it comes across as selfishness to those who have been handed too much. you will get frustrated with me on the days i cannot pick myself up off the bathroom floor, but can still find it in me to pick myself apart.you will get aggravated on the days where i want to be alone to treat myself to bubble baths and bowls of ice cream. these are both things i must do for myself.
i don’t know how to play nice
i will cover your neck in hickeys when i know you have easter dinner with your entire extended family the next day. i am not used to having things that are mine and mine alone and i want to enjoy it while i can. as a child i used to bury my toys in the sandbox in the backyard because i was afraid people would see how precious they were to me and take them away to have for themselves. i feel that way about you. you are much too big for that sandbox. so i bury you in the love that pours out of me and my teeth might just happen to get in the way.
i am extremely good at having bad days.
each little look that takes a left swing at me gets folded up and put in my pocket and carried around with me for weeks. my memories are sewn into my fingertips; i cannot let them go. you will think that it is your fault that i am not getting better. it’s not. some people were not made for this Earth, for this life. maybe some people were made for some things so great, our minds are too dense to physically wrap themselves around it just yet. i will remind you that i am not one of these people. on my bad days, i am insignificant. on my very bad days, i am nonexistent. i am very small and i will make a fist-sized dent in your life,
but you will love me,
you will love me,
you will love me.
At the sound of your voice"
— Kait Rokowski, from “The Civil Guillotine” in So Much For the Mercy Kill (via pigmenting)
(via babynectar)
